LOL @ you

2012-02-12T04:17:00.002+08:00

Nada.

Nerve wrecking, excited, nervous, not knowing what would be the result of my actions yesterday. Tried to limit myself from going online, but in the end, i was in and out of facebook 4 to 5 times. Failed miserably. But, after midnight, after convincing myself and telling myself that it will never happen, i logged on in mind to find an old friend and got a surprise. She replied. I can't explain how nervous and happy i was. My heart was pounding. But, her reply wasn't magnificent. It was just 'okay okay la'.

And now, i'm caught in a standstill. You have never even met me in secondary school, but you asked me to say hi, when you don't even recognize me. Hopefully that's a good thing?

Or are you just saying all that to be nice, deep down thinking 'what a desperate creeper'. Sometimes i wished i can tell what others are thinking of. That would make everything so much easier. I just really hope, that, things will turn out good for once. It's too early to say certain things, but i really hope, i won't screw it up. And will be able to get you to laugh and smile and go 'hey this guy is actually not that creepy and is quite interesting'. So yeah.. That's life.

I really don't want to screw this up. I want to treasure this tiny slight inch of chance that i have. But i don't want to come across as a creepy fuck. I.. think i need to come up with something better to grab your attention and get all interested in me, instead of going 'meh.. Boring fuck. can't you just leave me alone'... I really do hope you won't be thinking like that.

Ok, things shall be left untouched for now.. Progress on p1 was not great. But at least i managed to finalize 10 screens to do tomorrow(later when i wake up). I guess i just need to focus and believe in myself that i'll do a good job, and not doubt myself when I have yet to start with designs.

I kept telling myself(not aloud, in my mind the words were just playing nonstop like it was in a loop)that the ideas and designs will suck, and i will most likely not get good grades/fail as it will look like i put in very little effort. And right now, honestly, i am doubting myself yet again. Only 3 screens will most likely gain recognition(if i ever pull it off). And the rest will probably get a 'meh' outta them.

And i contemplate. Whether to go ahead with the designs that i have in mind, or to sort of copy what my sample has. If i copy, i will most likely be safe. And the thing is, at the start of this module, i wanted to make this something that i want to keep. Something that i want to be proud of. But right now, i'm not seeing that. In my mind, the ideas are just crap. But that's all i got, until i actually design and change it.

And it's already the 12th of february. I have around a week left. The clock is ticking. And i can really feel that it is crunch time. But i am caught in a Designer's Block. And i dont want to fucking fail this module. If i fail, i'm out. FULLSTOP. I want to pass this badly, not just to pass it, but to do something that i am proud of. But right now, things are not looking great. I NEED TO WORK HARDER.

So please. Focus.

oh will you take me to the land of the miracle...............

2012-02-11T01:28:00.003+08:00

Carpe Diem

Well, P1's gonna be over soon, with just 10 days left. Not to forget designing, printing and even binding. Why do i always tell myself that everything's going to be alright, waste my time away, and end up doing last minute work? I just don't get that about myself. It's a bad habit, yes, but i've tried to kick it, and it was starting to work, until i relapsed and got back to being myself again.

It's getting bad too. I always wait till things get bad and then start to put things into motion. That's the disappointing case.

And honestly, i've yet to shower since i woke up at around 4pm. I am starting to get into the routine where i waste away every single fucking day. And i hate that me which is a fucking lazy bummer. I used to 'seize the day' if you'd call it, working out, going for training, doing work, balancing a proper life of sleep-work-play. And then i slipped, and just let things fuck around and get from bad to worse.

I admit i'm fucked up. I admit i want to change. But does typing all these here mean anything? Honestly it doesnt. I'd plan my time away in the organizer, i'd say i want to do this and that. But in the end i just let it slip and fuck up.

And yeah, i need a reality check. Why depend on someone to get you to be a better person? Like in secondary school during that whole secondary 3-4 ordeal. or that secondary 5 shit? Thought you always wanted to depend on yourself and not rely on others? How can you give advice to others and not put what you tell them in action yourself?

Let me say it to you now, You're a fucking bummer, and until you Discipline yourself, you will never get anything done. So please, time is running out, if you fail this, you'll get kicked out of school. So please, focus and please, Seize the day. Because, in the end, you have yourself to blame for everything.

Alright, enough of that emo rant. On a side note, i've discovered a half dozen new artists which will bring my ears to orgasm.

And... there's this girl. But she's 3 years my junior, technically 2...

Thing is, i've been told to just find someone our age, because we would be good together, being in the same age and all. That put a stop in my tracks and made me avoid all connections with her. Plus, we've never technically met in school. Who knows i might just be a senior she never met-saw-knew in her eyes. Knowing that i might actually lose her, i've decided to just man up and try something. Not that i'd enjoy doing that, it's all i've got. I can't possibly look for her in school. Time isn't really on my side, with P1's deadline DANGEROUSLY close.

I'd honestly say it's a bad move, but that's all i got at this point.

Plus i'm such a huge pussy i wouldnt dare do a thing. What do i hope? Firstly to have her not think of me as a creepy fuck. Secondly, to have her not think i'd do that to every girl who's as stunning and as classy as her. Based on solely judging her, thus far, she's all i ever looked for,or maybe that's just what i'm making myself think. Stunningly beautiful with minimal makeup during her prom(+1), classy choice of outfit(+2), perfect figure(+3), these three judgmental insights make it all the more encouraging. Seldom on social network sites, no twitter, all the more pluses. Need i say, for her age(not a PEDO), she's fucking stunning! Having such a cute laugh. Well, i guess others think so too, and i'd bet that they are all fighting to be in line, trying to get her attention.

The honest thing is, i'm constantly trying to change myself so that i will appear 'cool' to others, but really, is that what i want? To have to constantly worry about others' thoughts about me? Or to be who i really want to be? Maybe i'm speaking too fast. After thinking about it, actually i dont care what others think. About that 'cool' part, it's just an excuse. The truth is, I dont want to be active on facebook, and twitter. I want to seriously grab each day by its horns and make it count. Not fucking waste my life away infront of 9gag, youtube, facebook. Not that its always a waste of time, just generally, wasting my life away infront of a computer screen.

My likes and dislikes?

Movies

Music, live music.

Taking pictures

having a blast with my dear friends

Being put in a difficult position

Arguments

Wasting my life

My issues.

and plenty more.

(ps, the structure of this whole entry is a little fucked up but oh well, i believe that's either me wanting to appear as someone with proper concise language grasp, or me wanting to make a perfect entry. ~~You be the judge~~ NOT)

But the important thing is to seize the day tomorrow and focus wholeheartedly on work. Well, im not forcing you, it's your choice. Disappoint your parents, or work hard and get your diploma.

Till then guys. I am set to go for a life changing experience at the santiago. Just you wait. And the whole experience will definitely be better having my dearest grandfather alongside. We'll see how things go.

2012-01-28T04:43:00.002+08:00

So, friends, who would be interested in a camino to Santiago de compostela?

2012-01-28T01:08:00.001+08:00

penciwha?

just gotta figure out the color combi, and i am done! mockup done.

ok, that's just for leisure. loads of work to do fyi.

2012-01-15T02:53:00.002+08:00

GoAtWLyOeNATIOwotNf

why do i only find out about these amazing artists now?

on a side note, got exposure to a few fucking awesome bands.

and I found my problem, im addicted to brain crack.

ok bye.

2012-01-10T22:48:00.001+08:00

Prioritise k

well, i see a goal now, drilling myself with illustrations and typography.

hope all works out well.

2012-01-08T22:41:00.002+08:00

I wish i could turn back time and go back to when i was 16.

my time is ticking and all thoughts of taking things as they come can never be taken as seriously as i used to when i was younger.

yes, i'm growing older, fast. too fast.

or maybe i can still live life as it comes and not conform to the Singapore-ish lifestyle.

who knows, really.

it's up to me to find out.

2012-01-06T07:28:00.001+08:00

The Holstee Manifesto Lifecycle Video from Holstee on Vimeo.

2012-01-03T00:25:00.003+08:00

Another New Beginning(?)

Heck, every new day is a new beginning, seriously, i dont think i need a new year for me to improve on myself with new year resolutions. Lets hope i dont walk the talk.

Another lesson learnt today as well.

Funny thing is i recall dreaming of something so awesome and when i woke up, aw man it felt too good to be true!

Been pretty sick the past 2 weeks,so sick, so sick that i used almost a dustbin bull of tissue.(NOW i understand how others can use loads of tissue when they have runny nose) So sick that i couldnt even bother eating / watching the new year's countdown.

Well, they say things get worse before they get better, so lets hope a bad start to 2012 will mean the better will ensue. Oh my look at me now, ironic thoughts. Fickle eh.

ok bedtime's soon and there's school tomorrow.

I'm such a good boy now hehehehe although it's 140 bucks outta my wallet. K BYE

HAPPY @)!@1111111111111111 (decode my <<< ahaha wtf)

2011-12-24T09:18:00.002+08:00

2011-12-20T22:15:00.002+08:00

i found the next thing which is almost equivalent to Twilight. shall start on it soon. 3 books in the series.

I am absolutely uncertain about my future.

Probable plans of getting a place in australia would mean a place to escape for me.

if it really happens, i would definitely head over when i feel like it. Heck, Jetstar or Tigerairways would do.

So really, what does the future hold?

No one would know.

2011-12-19T22:08:00.002+08:00

PROTEIGON from BURAYAN on Vimeo.

it's shit like this that gets me so inspired.

and the person/team who created it should really deserve a pat on their back(s).

come on! stop lazing about and start Doing for once!

2011-12-11T15:07:00.002+08:00

- I missed the only eclipse that really occurred

- I finally found a gopro

- I need to start and focus on work and not get distracted

- Run more, Sprint more, Stretch more, Push more, Lift more, Sit more. 9m timings, 9s timings, 20ups, 60sits.

do not falter my friend.

2011-12-06T10:18:00.003+08:00

I am this person in the world who is kind of lost, and i feel like i dont know who i am.

I really need to spend some time in solitude to figure out my place in the world.

2011-12-02T23:19:00.004+08:00

you're being notified that i have missed class on 2 occasions, but in reality I really missed almost 3 weeks of class.

Missing 2 lessons and you're already that angry, I really can't imagine how you would react if you'd ever find out that i've failed so many classes, and that i have missed so many lessons. Plus my lousy, atrocious G.P.A.

No, really dad, i'm sorry for being such a disappointment to you. I can't explain why i did what i did, it's just, a mixture of absolute lack of discipline, not being committed, and just... I really dont know how to explain things, but trust me, i'm trying to sort things out, i really am.

I can't really explain what i'm going through. it's like i dont really see any future for myself anymore. I used to, but now, i don't. I'm just wasting my precious time and life away aimlessly, living without any aims, and just taking things as they come. And i know that's not supposed to be the case, It should never be the case.

Trust me, i'm really trying hard, but perhaps i'm not trying hard enough. i'm just saying that im trying hard but in reality im not even trying at all.

And no, i Dont need an intervention.

just. a. little. more. time.

i'll sort things out, i really will.

And here i come, a journey to get my life back on track...

Cmon i know you can do it! Focus focus.

2011-12-02T01:57:00.003+08:00

Expose Exposure

The amount of dust collected on my x700, a330, a1 and eos5 is astounding.

Not only that, i cant even remember when that roll of kodak 200 was used. OHHHH now i think i remember!!! that was my go at double exposures on my x700!!!

i'm left with three rolls of fujifilm 400, and one is currently in the eos5. The light meter works fine on the eos5, and everything else seems alright, but i've not tested the light seals. at exposure 24 now, hopefully when i finish all 36 and develop it, it will show that the eos5 is another trusty camera like the x700. Just that power dial that requires fixing.

The a1 is just fucking worthless. with a 200-400 lens on it, i cant even do anything about it. Plus the shutter squeaks and i'm just keeping that camera as a collection. Considered to dismantle it apart though, just for the fun of it, but i think i'll get a cheaper set and dismantle that. Although i cant say the same for the lens.

All im left with, is a drybox that needs no electricity, more stocked films, a holga for sprockets i suppose(?) [though that's not really that important.] Definitely a Photomic FTN, been eyeing on one for almost a year now, but sadly, i didnt have the funds/couldnt find the perfect set with working metering and lens. And maybe in the near future a ae1 or a canonnet, or both

Not to forget, them metal canisters. Been eyeing on those babes for almost a year now too, but i just cant seem to find the perfect deal. Either shipping's not included to singapore, or it's just too fucking expensive and worthless. well, we'll see how.

well, got to save a few more months and i dare say i'll be able to get my hands on a photomic ftn.

i believe i have to start bringing them out to give them a workout, just basically to capture images on film once in awhile here and there. Well, there you go, that's just what i'll be trying to do more, in future.

Now, just now, finish up the remaining 12 shots on the eos5 and get them developed!

oh! i would definitely wanna learn how to develop my own photos too in the near future.

toodles gaizzz

2011-11-30T18:51:00.002+08:00

The Reel whorld

the real world sucks.

expectations and expectations.

it's never the same, even if i find it nice, they dont.

the real world, suck.

2011-11-20T22:52:00.003+08:00

Rekindled my love for the series, albeit the weird genre. Who cares, I found the complete set. Will set out to download and read them soon.

Once again, so many things, nowhere to start.

Well, its another 9-6 class. Lets hope this time, i will really start soon.

Predicting A block of little Designing, probably more flashing again, so hopefully i'll start crossing my fucking long list of shit.

On a side note, writing has not been easy, my arm hurts worse than it did when during the O level Literature papers. But it's been a good journey, and i know in future i'll laugh about whatever that's inside. BYE

2011-11-11T10:19:00.002+08:00

maybe if i was half the person i was outside at home, things at home would be better.

maybe if i was half the person my dad is, i would not be as angry as i would be.

maybe if i try to look past the things that are bad, i would be half the person my dad is.

just. maybe.

2011-11-08T23:00:00.004+08:00

i am not in a proper state to do this. bye.

2011-11-08T04:47:00.005+08:00

finally

2011-11-05T03:41:00.002+08:00

I feel so selfish. Selfish for ruining your life. You're so good looking, so caring, so obedient.

And yet, yet you live in a shitty place, a place even a blind man could tell you don't deserve.

So tell me now, would i be heartless, heartless to consider letting you go? To give you away?

Away to someone better, someone who will give you a place to stay where you deserve-someone

that would walk with you all night-someone that would hug and kiss you before leaving

home-cuddle and smooch you upon reaching home-someone who would spend their weekends

bringing you out for lots of fun.

Or would it be selfish, selfish of me to continue keeping you in that fucked up place, selfish to

want you all for myself?

I really have no idea.

All i know is, you deserve so much better.

2011-11-03T06:48:00.004+08:00

What should i do about you now, number 5?

Hee hee so undistracted and focused. I dare say it's only the first few times i've felt good about my work. So Corporate siol.

K bai i've got er my gallery page and er accessories to finish and the proposal and im done.

JIAYOU NORVAN POON HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAa

2011-11-03T00:17:00.005+08:00

PERTH

All i ask, is for us to get to know each other really, just for the day.

If it works, may we have something.

If it doesnt, at least we tried.

2011-11-02T17:28:00.006+08:00

Never Say Never?

i'm afraid you'll find me annoying.

But hey, I'm already trying my best. Don't i get an A for Effort?

i assume, you're that mean and uninterested cause im younger

And i guess, i'll just have to make that unimportant.

2011-11-01T00:14:00.004+08:00

but hey, didn't anyone tell you that you deserved better?

2011-10-31T23:11:00.001+08:00

BUZZ OFF

just fuck off already stop distracting me. And that ride, it's for me, its never about you.

2011-10-30T02:46:00.002+08:00

GLOBUZ

Get your life together.

2011-10-28T22:51:00.002+08:00

Punch'd

Today, i blacked out for the first time. Ever felt so angry in your life that you can't tolerate anymore and the anger just took over your mind and did stupid things? It happened to me.

I have been tolerating all the nonsense for over a week and finally, i blacked out and let a fist fly.

It felt so scary as i did not know what i did until reality set in.

Should i feel remorseful? Honestly, no. But do i regret it? Yeah for sure.

Yet another lesson learnt, to not keep everything inside or it'll just lead to an outburst.

oh boy anger management.

2011-10-27T02:01:00.006+08:00

Inspired

2011-10-24T02:38:00.007+08:00

Le Changement

The list goes on and on and on, So many things to do, so little time. As i note all significant issues i'd tackle in the near future, the list gets longer. Simple issues such as 5dmkii's rolling shutter, to get the complete list of The Flash comics, to complete perks of being a wallflower, to source for i am number four ebooks, to archive my texture list, font list and to source for more brushes - let me stop here. I could go on and on about what i'd want to complete.

But i procrastinate these simple tasks with the likes of Facebook, Twitter, Movies and many more.

I forgo even the simplest of tasks such as compiling all my receipts to claim, or to open the mail i got from POSB regarding i-Banking.

God why am i such a Procrastinator.

And on top of that, i now have Two weekly Training i have to commit to, and hopefully Work.

No, school and homework are not things i have to commit to. They are things that i have to do regardless of whether i have the time or not, reason being that's my role as a student. To study hard, and get good grades are not things that should be asked of me.

Scraping through 2.1 was no amazing feat, i count myself lucky to be able to go back for 2.2 and get a headache seeing my tightly scheduled timetable.

Over and Over, i claim that 'its the last time', 'im gonna really stop my bad habits and start focusing on work'. But i never seem to mean my words.

I now know that i have tons of things to do, to strike off my to-do-list, to complete. And i now know that saying is never enough, and truly, Actions Speaks Louder Than Words. So i guess, I'd better man up, and walk the talk.

No, its not the new years, and who says that one needs the new year to start with new resolutions.

Prioritize and to spend quality time. To forgo sleep for things that are necessary and to be filial.

So, people, here goes nothing. Lets start fresh with sem 2.2.

tous les meilleurs, Sir!

2011-10-05T00:40:00.001+08:00

feeling so helpless. the wait is worse than o levels. lets hope a miracle happens.

then again, where was my old self who wouldnt bother and took things as they came. oh well, people change, i definitely have, gained 8kg, and now this.

kbai

2011-10-03T09:00:00.002+08:00

i just remembered that results are gonna be out real soon. and i just remembered that i might fail 2D art again.

and if i fail, i will be kicked out of school. at this moment, it is the lowest point in my education life. in kindergarden, obviously, i was good.

in Primary school, i was good initially. as i grew older, my results started to get worse, probably cause i had no one to manage my homework, and just to make sure i study and do everything. not that I'm pointing fingers, my parents had to work so i won't blame them.

and then, in Secondary school, i was alright, not good, but not bad. and as i grew, once again, the results started to get worse.

and now, in poly, i failed. not that i have never failed in secondary or primary school, but one would suppose and expect one to be able to manage one's time when one is actually in poly, and the age of 18.

ohwell...

and now i've got a good change of being kicked out, just cause of a fucking stupid reason. well, i had an mc, so that entitles me to a late submission, and no 50% gone.

i guess, i can just keep my fingers crossed, and pray for good news.

it is now, at this point, where i am so sure, that i want to study.

so... i guess, we shall just take things as they come. and if all else fails, i'm really sorry, mom, dad, gramps and grans, i've been such a disappointment.

lets hope i will manage to scrape through this... Lesson Learnt - never been more sure.

2011-10-03T04:54:00.001+08:00

need to get inspired and start doing work holy crap procrastination boom deee da bai bai

2011-09-29T21:27:00.001+08:00

if you fail to plan you plan to fail. butttttttt. i planned and planned.

anddd....... i failed cuz i planned and planned and planned but never DID. hahahahahaha.

things like compiling claims and shizz, i've wanted to do them a couple of months ago but i never did. urg laziness.

oh, i just got a goood idea haahaha

2011-09-27T07:15:00.002+08:00

hello sweet lil thang..... i got an extremely new toy on the 25th.

just a lil more purchases and i'm ready!

note to self : think before purchase!!! "are you simply buying something because you think you need it?"

2011-09-19T01:49:00.002+08:00

when will it hit home.. we're two different people from two different walks of life. just give up and let go already. it's good to be alone!

2011-09-18T02:51:00.002+08:00

给我一点时间改变!

just found loads of new bands to pledge my allegiance to! whooyeah!

give me some time, a new layout, new site, new name, new works.

starting 365 proj soon!

till then, toodles!

2011-09-15T00:20:00.001+08:00

i guess turning 19 means you should stop dreaming and wasting your time on senseless things such as eleazar and instead turn your attention to important shizz. what gives.

2011-09-12T23:29:00.001+08:00

fate never intended for us to cross paths i suppose, count myself lucky to be able to converse with you, albeit virtually.

2011-09-12T20:40:00.001+08:00

it's always the same case

i guess you should just give up :) give up and spend your time on something better :)

2011-08-26T23:39:00.001+08:00

Move Learn Eat.

i want that.

2011-08-25T01:27:00.001+08:00

my life, is in a mess.

2011-08-07T11:12:00.001+08:00

i know i might sound like a spoilt brat,

but...

i want my own car, sigh.

2011-08-03T23:08:00.003+08:00

Yong said :

It's just like learning how to ride a bike. Initially, it's hard and you may fall sometimes.

But once you get the hang of it, you'll never forget how to ride it. At the start it might

be tough to get the hang of it, but once you do, it'll be easy.

Lets hope so.

2011-07-16T00:12:00.003+08:00

It was great to have you back. To have you follow me around wherever i go, to have you inspecting my every move and to sleep with you(but the stupid you chose to sleep on the floor rather than my comfy bed.).

We're not a complete family if you're not staying with us. I'm sorry you've suffered so much because of me. Bear a little more, im trying my best to get you home.

It's great to spend some midnights speeding.

2011-06-25T05:22:00.000+08:00

Sleep is Mandatory.

i guess.. i have a week to determine how much i need.

2011-06-22T08:24:00.003+08:00

i have now seen you in a different light.

here i am always complaining about how bad others really are.. but there you are teaching me to not bother about others, telling me i should care about how i really am as a person.

in the past i have always seen you as someone who is biased towards my sister. whatever she wants, you give. whatever she does, you close one eye.

but now as i am becoming older, and as i should get wiser and more mature, you start to treat us fairly.

not complaining about when i want to use the car. not complaining about when i should be working for you. i guess you can say that i am starting to understand and respect you.

i hope it's not all words, and i hope that it's all action. i want you to be proud of me.

and i know what i should really be doing.

i dont know if its trust or anything, but i drove your s35 today. how accomplished you are today was because of your hard work, sweat, blood and tears. and i want to help you ease your load. i want to let you rest and retire early.

dear dad, it's a little late, but im really sorry. from now on, i will be a better son.

and i love you. happy belated father's day.

i guess i should really start seeing the WHOLE picture.

2011-06-12T21:27:00.002+08:00

just because you're someone's father, it does not,

one - give you the right to assume everything your son does

two - give you the right to think that you know your son extremely well when you can proudly say and complain about what an irresponsible son he is at 20 years old. (and) the fact that you and your son never really had any realistic attachments to each other.

Three, being rich and successful does give you certain power over others but whatever i'm too sick of narrating things when your ego is as big as the world.

telling you your mistakes result in you venting your anger. so what's the point, really.

2011-06-09T21:22:00.002+08:00

being overseas gives you the upper-hand as you can pretend to not have 'internet service' , not having the 'time' , and pretty much everything you want to make up.

but know this, when i get what i want. and i will, i will not be bothered with you.

and that china millionaire,

don't get me started with what i will do to him.

which brings me to another point. doing things to people requires certain advantages. to be advantageous, i need to start training again. teehee.

just you wait you irresponsible prick.

2011-06-07T22:53:00.002+08:00

i swear when i get what i want i will not be bothered with you you selfish asshole

2011-06-06T08:26:00.000+08:00

Atm.

2011-06-04T02:58:00.002+08:00

i believe i have handled things childishly.

and i'm sorry. whether i should apologize to you on the phone, through a text message, or any other way or not, im not sure. DO i want to apologize, yes.

i should not have vented my frustrations out on you.

and i suppose the best i could do tomorrow is to send you a text saying i'm sorry.

2011-06-03T23:46:00.002+08:00

its one thing to be questioned in real life but to be followed online to whatever you do, thats another. You people forced me to lock it up, probably deactivating my it.

i understand that you guys are worried about what i do online, or want to find out more. but probing is another. look, see and keep it to yourself. there's no reason why you should share it with others.

and i thought i could be free online.

2011-06-03T03:28:00.001+08:00

oh how i hate it when a plan does not go as planned.

ohwell they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, so here we go.

2011-05-30T02:56:00.002+08:00

You never Fucking learn.

at this point i really want to give up on you. waiting to panic when the time comes and finally starting with work. that's always the case. nothing has been changed.

change, you talk about it. but i dont ever see you doing it.

time and time again, you always end up doing the same thing. i'm bloody speechless.

if you dont pick yourself up no one can.

2011-05-27T00:41:00.002+08:00

it's times like this i feel the worst.

quiting seems like an easy way out.

all optimism is gone.

and the strength to start over/continue, has all been lost.

lost, im lost in this pool of ideas, wants, needs, requirements, expectations and deadlines.

its now that i feel limited, not limitless.

and the urge to continue/get better has been overwritten by all worries, troubles and fears of failure.

the time i've feared the most has arrived.

it is now that i've lost all motivations, all inspirations, all ideas. the basic idea generation has been lost, for now i hope.

hope for a different tomorrow, a new chapter, a new ~~you~~ me.

when will that change that is constant come.

"the only thing that never changes is change itself"

attempts of achieving nirvana, i should.

a zen state of mind.

fuck troublems.

2011-05-15T21:12:00.000+08:00

what's the fun in reading on an iPad as compared to flipping each page over and over, having a bookmark to mark your progress.

it's just different.

2011-05-14T09:31:00.000+08:00

so much has changed in just a ~~year~~,or two.

looking back, if i had gotten what i wanted, would i be any different from who and what i am now,(?) I wonder...

`Still undecided. But there has been Progress. Albeit Slow, Worthy it was.

``4 3 days to go. Please Man, don't make the same mistakes. For once, do something for the sake of your grades.

```24 x 3 = 72

Lets Start Making Every Second Count...

2011-05-06T22:25:00.001+08:00

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WTF U LETTY Y R U ALIVE AHRHRHRHRHRHRR

2011-05-04T03:44:00.001+08:00

2011-05-04T03:34:00.000+08:00

2011-04-13T04:51:00.001+08:00

after spending a couple of hours alone searching for my stuff at my dad's office, i realized that he has worked extremely hard to get to where he was. As a father, he would definitely expect his son to help him to simple tasks such as getting the whole ipad-unable-to-send-mail problem under control. Or tasks such as washing the car, installing Autocad in his computer. i wished that we had a stronger bond, as father and son, but deep down, i know that we have our own ways of telling each other we appreciate and love each other.

Being there, i felt like such a loser, not being able to help my father in solving the ipad situation. Or even the autocad. Leaving these aside, who knows what other problems he needed help with? He's the kind that expect me to make the first move, i suppose. Have been telling him i wanted to work for him during this holiday, and he would've obviously known my interest in working for him. But never did he ask me to go work for him. Instead, he has been insisting that i be at the office asking if i could help with anything.

I have been constantly saying that i would want to be nice to my parents, and talk nicely. But so far it has been mostly talk. Granted, initially i did succeed. But as time passed, gradually, i forgot about what i wanted to do. I started finding my mom a nuisance, and started talking back at her, shouting, and answering in a rude manner.

What kind of a person am I, being nice to friends, and behaving and treating my parents in such a manner. In the past, i've always believed in reciprocal values, be it towards my parents or friends. But as i age, or mature, or whatever this is, i realize i should really be treating them well.

I guess... From now, what i really have to do is to get rid of this adhd syndrome with self discipline. Clean the house, and wash the clothes, without complains. Try to engage myself more with them(highly doubt so i suppose...) Try not to talk back at them, get my life together and start having the proper 8 hours of sleep(i believe sleep early wake early applies here.), and finally, be serious in school and show them grades.

I wanted a macbook, and i got it(though it was way before i enrolled in TP.). Wanted an Imac to work better, and i got it. Wanting a Wacom intuos 4, and am most likely gonna get it. I believe its really time to focus, and show them what i can do. I believe i deserve better, and it is all due to lack of self discipline. Due to that, i began sleeping late... Which in return makes me tired and(for most of the time),makes me skip school due to fatigue and laziness.

I believe This is IT for me now, it's my time to shine, and my time to work my best. I know that getting there is the hard part. Saying it out, Putting it on ink, is easy. But, i suppose you can say that Saying something, is way better than not saying anything as i intend to make things work by saying out my visions.

And no, i doubt my dreams of living in another country will ever come true. After my National Service, i'll probably be too old for Uni. Instead i believe it would be a better time for me to bond and work for my father, and take at least some or most of the load off his shoulders...

And for you my dear, we're almost getting there. I love you so much.

2011-04-10T04:38:00.001+08:00

great.. just as i have ideas to get a new ipod, the current one fails. now the middle button is like my iphone. it jams. i can still use it though, just cant select it with the middle button, with the play button instead. how now brown cow :'(

2011-03-11T02:27:00.002+08:00

its a new start for a new goal.

Focus Focus!

2011-03-07T09:02:00.002+08:00

lately, sleep has been my worst enemy. just next to discipline.

2011-03-03T09:20:00.001+08:00

some great things are gonna happen.. just you wait! i cant wait! shit brain overdose

2011-02-26T03:25:00.002+08:00

in the month of march during my holidays i will establish something i've always wanted to. i'll officially work. clad in safety boots, jeans,that blue shirt whilst driving a lorry containing goods and a bagpack with an electronic drill, different screwdriver and drill bits.

it will definitely happen.

hm wonder how much i'll actually earn that month. CANT WAIT!

2011-02-22T22:32:00.001+08:00

OOOOOHHHHHH WELLLLLLLLL ITS ALWAYS THE SAMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

2011-02-21T04:30:00.001+08:00

GET UR LIFE TOGETHER YOU'RE FUCKING EVERYTHING UP

2011-02-18T20:53:00.002+08:00

The last module i'll ever do something like this. starting right after p1, things will change. you can count on it.

2011-02-16T09:03:00.001+08:00

sumtimez i juz get shoo tempted by technology + vehicles. sigh life.

2011-02-13T09:59:00.002+08:00

new insight.

me thinks right & it should have been the case a long time ago. but better late than never.

we should really not be doing something just cuz we have to, and should give our all in doing any and everything.

ohwell. lets see how that works for me.

2011-02-10T01:48:00.001+08:00

lack of motivation.

dreaming of new gear-lets not think too far. be contented with what you have.

take things as they come. no more late nights. finish layouts n print please.

2011-02-09T02:08:00.001+08:00

hang in there get things done!

2011-02-01T23:16:00.001+08:00

unproductiveness.

2011-01-29T02:00:00.003+08:00

Lesson Learnt!

tonight, i learnt something even my instructor could not teach me.

1)taxi drivers are fuckers-well most of them are anyway.

2)i have to drive carefully and not be overconfident from now.

i almost got into an accident today, with 3 other passengers with me. i literally almost endangered 3 people's life. fucking taxi + myself + auto car. with a manual car i'd be able to pickup faster though.

cheebai. better not do such stuff anymore. na bei.

so sorry.................................

thankfully, nothing happened. NOTHING. nothing to the car, nothing to me, nothing to them.

well, to summarize everything, i better be a safer driver, and be careful with my life. its not a joke. better watch out and not be such a hasty driver.

cheebai driver. drive at 80 at a 50 speed limit road. FUCK U LA.

well, lesson learnt. such a thing, WILL never EVER ever happen EVER again!

2011-01-26T00:54:00.001+08:00

First Passenger : Dad

Second Passenger : Mom

Third Passenger : Ks

Fourth Passenger : Zt

it aint easy, trying to keep in lane and stuff.

2011-01-22T23:22:00.003+08:00

jumpstart=hard?

2011-01-18T23:32:00.001+08:00

Ze Clashe.

Lastly, to avoid any conflicts, one should just listen and agree, disagree when it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY

2011-01-18T00:37:00.003+08:00

Riptide

what is going on. a minute things between us are good. a minute we're bad. what is going on?

2011-01-15T01:33:00.003+08:00

same old thang...

i have so many ideas going in my head. so many great ideas. but none was pinpointed.

maybe, just maybe, i will take a paper and jot everything down the next time it happens again.

maybe, its cuz 'the mind is in its most creative mode from around 11pm until 2am at night' hence i almost always get the same feeling during around the same time

2011-01-05T21:54:00.000+08:00

get it goin.

2011-01-02T01:15:00.001+08:00

i remember telling myself i wana treat my parents the best, and be nice to them.

i tried, and i succeeded...

one morning i went out to buy breakfast just for them..

but then today, i lost control and went overboard.

well something to note from this would be to be better to my parents and tone down.

no, its not a new year resolution.. its something i wana improve on myself as a human being, as a son, as a friend.

2011-01-01T19:49:00.003+08:00

remember the times of spying/checking people out in secondary school?

i sure do.

on a side note, just 1600 and it's so grainy... makes me so impatient to change it to either the 5d mk 2 or the d700. still researching :)

oh, happy new year.

2010-12-23T01:20:00.001+08:00

London

2010-12-22T01:14:00.001+08:00

2010-12-10T03:20:00.004+08:00

well, its just a little something i'm experimenting more with...

i have to stop sleeping at 1 in the afternoon.

fucking wasting money. CB.

and after doing shaun's survey, i've grown to know my dad more, and really, i love my parents, that much. sometimes i feel like im a leech sucking their money out, wanting a 80 thousand pickup, wanting a DSLR(oh by the way im getting it with my own savings so i doubt that counts), wanting this, wanting that, wanting to go to australia to visit my sister.

it may seem that for me to travel it's gonna be simple cause idont have to worry about money. they're gonna pay everything. and i dont want that to be the case.

i'm gonna start working by next year, once i get my license.

prolly ask dad to pay be lesser than what he pays his workers and im ok with that, at least im doing what i like (hands on stuff like fixing cabinets, and stuff likethat) and getting paid at the same time.

and, when i learn dreamweaver next year, i'll revamp your whole site and make it awesome alright.

oh, also, if you got a degree or diploma in engineering, it doesnt mean you will not be a good film director, or a good businessman.

as what mathias said, 'do not let your education or your course determine what you can or cannot do'. his way of encouraging us to feel good about our photographs and not compare with Visual Communications people...

why oh why does photography cost so much.

current debate: FPS vs FPS (5d vs d700) - 5d obviously loses but....

compare noise: 5d wins but d700 outwins in SUPER low light.

and...

nikon mf lens costs a quarter the price of an af, which = saving $$ e.g buying a 1.7/1.4 prime mf lens for 50 bucks?

as compared to a 50mm 1.2 L lens with usm from canon which costs 2.8k?????? then my only choice would be either that 50mm 1.4 usm which is 600 bucks or the lowest budget which will somewhat utilize fully but its cheap and plastiky and its 150bucks. aperture blades makes bokeh ugly though.

what a fucking chore.

5 thousand dollars = prolly working for 4 months @ intercon if i could earn 60 dollars a day = 60x5=300 x 4 = 1.2k.

I WANA WORK FOR YOU MAN. TRUST ME.!

2010-12-05T02:31:00.001+08:00

Self Discipline

who doesn't need it?

2010-11-28T22:06:00.005+08:00

problem: too many things in my mind. to an extent that my mind really feels like exploding.

solution/hypothesis/reason: i've got a thousand things i've always wanted to do. however, what i do is store them somewhere, and think that i'll get back to them someday, somehow, when i have the time. however, i end up with having actually 1 thing to do, then slowly 4 things, and 10 things. which explains my problem.

it all comes down to obviously, prioritizing.

and right now, im supposed to : 1)create my company logo

2) Discover and Design the logo

3)finish up my logo tracing template

4)write up a rational on my design.

however, what i want to do is : 1)read up on cameras

2)WATCH the O.C

3) oh trust me i can name everything out for you if i have time

4)well, there, hence i end up having 4 other things to do

together with everything that i Want to do stored up.

sigh i really hate ADHD.

2010-11-23T06:25:00.002+08:00

in consideration:

sony alpha 850.

canon 5D mark II.

nikon D3.

though im really tempted to get a850(still stubborn after that long lecture you gave me, denise. nono, dont give up on me just yet, IDK HOW 2 EXPLAIN Y I WANA GET ALPHA 850 LA AIYO).

cuz... right now my gears are all sony related. i love my prime lens. i dont wana trade it for something else, e.g canon mount lenses. SIGH.

research research¬!!!!

2010-11-17T04:40:00.002+08:00

i feel so empty. so helpless. so weird.

it's been long since i needed someone to share my thoughts.

and every time i felt like going to someone to talk about the problems, i always tell myself not to do it as im strong and i can keep it inside.

my parents are currently en route to melbourne,victoria to check up on my sister.

doing that, im left at home alone. and i really feel so empty and weird.

i... dont want to live alone in future.

however, at times i do feel like being a loner. just be and my music and my dog.
i dont know. im contradicting myself and this feeling really sucks. goodnight.

2010-11-15T01:39:00.002+08:00

there's so much on my mind i cant seem to zoom in on one particular thing to do.

i've skipped class and missed so many assignment deadlines such that i might fail this module.

'Please note that poor attendance and performance will result in failing the subject.'

fml.

i'll prolly speak to keejan and explain why i've been missing class... hopefully he'll understand and give me a break.

if not, hahaha good luck i'll be retaking this next year. _l_

2010-11-12T00:16:00.000+08:00

what the fuck is seriously wrong with you.

if i could i would stab someone 9times just cuz i like 9.

if i could i would throw 9 balls in your face.

FUCK OFF AND GET A LIFE ASSHOLE

2010-11-08T01:56:00.002+08:00

he deals the cards as mediation.

the analogy he uses is rather true.

1: 'you got lift weights hor?'

nods head.

'starting you do 10kg, cannot right?'

nods head and smiles.

'starting you do 5kg, then do already 1 week 1 month, 5kg light for you already right?'

'yeah haha'

'so what do you do? go to 10kg right?'

it's like that, everything in life takes time. just like driving. i know you want to perfect perfect, start off biting point nicely, but it wont work, you'll have to start with being lousy at it, then slowly you'll get better after practice. you're too engrossed with being a good driver.

2: 'you go for softball training right?'

nods head.(note i can only nod my hate cuz im driving on the road, i have to concentrate)

'then why you keep going training? to get better right? to improve right?'

'yeah haha'

'if you stop going training, you cannot improve what right? same la, like driving, starting you sure lousy, slowly you will get better.'

3: 'ayah i think you want to be perfect thats why. cannot like that, you are your own worst enemy you know? you keep thinking of driving, want to drive properly, start biting point nicely, everything, then u stall. you dont care, then never stall.'

'really la, you think too much. you have to make mistakes, then can improve what right? cannot be you so perfect, then nothing for you to work and improve on.'

well then, there you have it, im too engrossed with the biting point, with engaging properly, with everything.

thing is people grow step by step.

just like how a baby learns to crawl, walk, then run.

and i better keep that in mind, if i were to get better at anything...

thanks william.

He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance

2010-11-06T18:04:00.000+08:00

im cured, temporarily

What do you got, if you aint got love

Whatever you got, it just aint enough

2010-10-29T00:46:00.001+08:00

what the fuck is wrong with everybody.

nadine you're awesome :)

2010-10-27T16:51:00.004+08:00

not be the dying nana where every conversation could possibly be the last.

sure thats always true though, cancer or no cancer,

we could all be dead tomorrow, you never know...

2010-10-18T03:38:00.001+08:00

If you want me in your life, go find a way to put me there cause honestly, im sick of trying.

2010-10-17T00:44:00.002+08:00

i was right about everything.

i'll be on my way.

it's never wrong to say

i dont need that girl by my side,
i dont need that girl in my life
i dont wana talk it out or hold her when she cries.
i dont wana say she's my kind
i dont wana say that she's mine